I can’t say it is ‘all my own doing’ when I fear a connection that might allow a closer or better friendship. There are times when the past failures or moments I’ve been taken advantage of, resurface. It seems to a repeating issue with me: leave before I truly connect or attach to this or that person, place or thing.
It was connecting that brought me to the blogging world. I wanted my brain and heart to connect. I wanted my heart to tell of things that bothered me or excited me, or upset me… and I wanted my brain to interpret those feelings into words. At the time resolution of any thing I thought was not an issue. Just put the dang stuff on paper and be done. I hadn’t yet realized that blogging was more than laying ink to page. It involved search engines and chances of the entire world having a peek at my zaniness. Though I was uncomfortable when I discovered that… it didn’t really seem as important as my realization that I could actually express myself. So my original intent of connecting heart and brain was succeeding.
I had never thought to define my connection as “talent” and it was a surprise to hear in comments that people liked what I wrote and how I wrote it. My first reaction was to shut down my blog site and run… so I did. I have actually shut down this site twice out of fear. I’ve come to believe that everyone can have a public place and still be respected. So I keep this site open, type away on my stuff, and occasionally bang out ugly things that give me relief.
I still panic sometimes, thinking that I’ve become overbearing, and that reminds me of other people I’ve had to fight. Or I become timid; afraid that the next person is going to be hurt by my actions or words. I am a mixed bag of ouch!
As I usually pick a photo, drawing or sketch to go with my posts, I wondered what would reflect this one. So it was that I picked the cable because that is the connection that brings you here, or takes me “there’. No matter what connections I work on, or the connections you work on… we are words on a wire. For those of you who fear connecting with me: you do not have to leave a message… try leaving a smiley face. Fight your own fear.
I know what you what you mean, which why I have several sayings to remind me to keep putting myself out there, and face my fears:
ReplyDelete1. "Whatever does not kill you will only make you strong" - Brian Kennedy, "If You Don't Believe in Me".
2. "We are all Born to Shine" - based on Brian Kennedy, "The Reason We Are Here".
3. "Dance as though no one is watching, love as though you've never been hurt, sing as though no one can hear you and live as though heaven's on earth"
4. "A ship in harbour is safe, but that wasn't what ships were made for"
Love Julie xx
Julie,
ReplyDeleteA very nice surprise and I appreciate your positive affirmations so much.
Take good care of you. dc.
Hello dcrelief,
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this blog. Many a time in my life I thought I was making friends. Yet so many times I was let down by these so-called 'friends'. This meant I retreated into my self-imposed shell. It became an all-too- frequent cycle. The cycle still needs to be broken but I will get there.
I too had a "fear of connecting", when you have been hurt so often, you don't want to be hurt anymore.
I have tried to break this cycle by learning to trust and cooperate. Trusting, after so much emotional turmoil, has been quite the challenge.
Yet through sheer determination and resilience, I have learnt to realise that we do have the right to be happy. I like to think that the empathetic connection that you have made with me and some other genuine folks will help you along your own journey of hope and contentment. Oh yeah dcrelief have a :-)
Klahanie;
ReplyDelete["..an all-too-frequent cycle."]
I need hope and contentment for my journey too. Thank you. dc