Empty but full

I don’t know what I want anymore. I think I’m close to collapse. Almost drove myself to the hospital yesterday. It’s hard to keep things in order without a list. So I’ve started a list. The trouble is: once I get a list done, I change it. Once I make a decision, I find it hard to stick with it. I need help sorting it out.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write when I sat down. It’s not much of anything but I’m determined to try. I seem to have forgotten that I love me. I seem to want to punish myself for having feelings that make me feel joy. I’ve placed myself in anguish over the fact that I am impatient to complete a dream. An important dream that can only wait, for only time can tell if it will become reality.

Today I’ve decided that if I want to cry, then I’m going to have a good cry. Get it all out if possible and let the emptiness go on down the road. I’m tired of flip-flopping… the indecisiveness is stressful. I can make mistakes. I’m a human being and I do make wrong decisions.

I do love me. I do care about me. I am going to fight for me to rise above the ash heap and have my day. I will make the right decision because it will be for me. It will have to be one that takes care of me. It’s important that I write this. It’s important that I share this. Why? One day someone may come along and have the same feelings that I’m having; the same feelings of indecisiveness. Maybe hanging onto all of the hope they can get, but still indecisive. Maybe this will offer comfort to know that people experience similar pain.

Okay, so I’m better off than the first sentence I wrote, even though I only wrote it a few minutes ago. I’m empty but I’m full.

A place of colour

I’m in the process of making a big decision. I have the chance to leave my place of grey and travel to a place of colour. It involves people I’m not used to being around on a daily basis. They have expressed a strong desire that I come there. They support my need and want me to be a healthier, happier person. Maybe that’s all I need: people who care.

It would really benefit me in the long run with other plans that I’ve formulated. Once I confront and clear up this moment, the present, I can move on to the next moment. Stop looking back. Stop looking too far into the future; simply live.

I’m letting you know because you are my “first friends”; the first to give me courage. All of you have been here for me as I have tried to be here for all of you. That will not stop. I’ll simply be sharing a new place with you. (Sounds like that decision is getting firmer.)

Relief for dc

A friend called Saturday after he’d read my article “Wanting the blue: Blue Mood”. I got tickled when he said, “The photo is great. The blue sky is beautiful. But you’ve got to stop looking up or you’ll trip over your feet. You need to climb on out and start looking at the horizon.” The encouragement I received prompted me to take a second look.

That ladder in the photograph with the article did seem daunting with such a steep climb presented, yet at times I feel as if I’ve stepped into a hole (ironically with a ladder), and it will be a while before I rise above it. But here was one saying, “climb on out,” set your focus on the horizon. There are your goals.

So I climbed up each rung as carefully and quickly as I could. There was no sense letting my fear of heights stop me, much less slow me down. To delay might mean that I’d be stuck there. What I needed was relief from my self; relief from wrongfully judging myself for being human.

“You’ve inspired me and I have written something with you in mind,” he said. So after we hung up I looked for the various items and articles that this fascinating person always manages to produce. I was not disappointed but elated that the goals of his journey continue so admirably.

That is what I want to get back to with my own writing. Meeting the goals I’ve set and still giving to others along the way. With that in mind, another thought came to me: Find a moment of peace; hold it in your heart; be thankful when possible.

Yes, I would try to keep that in mind. In the midst of hardship find a moment, a single moment of peace; then hold it and treasure it. As soon as I can, I make the time to express thankfulness. It does indeed create a positive environment between my ears, spreading deep into my soul; out into the blue and the universe of all thought.

Wanting the blue: Blue Mood

My mind “sees” me at the bottom where I stand, always looking to move up into the blue. I’m always waiting my turn on the ladder or “natural order of things.” Still closer and closer I move to the blue.

Lots of people talk about singing the blues, having the blues, feeling blue, and it’s a negative thing to them; this blue.

This blue keeps me inspired to move up each rung. On occasion it is understandable that, during gray skies, I falter on my climb. Sometimes the sunlight is so blinding it hurts, beating me back down a rung. The mental and physical so intertwined for me; do I fear the climb or the outside elements?

My mind “sees” me climb those rungs and calls it growth. I may struggle with a problem or a solution and need a rest. Often I stop and stand on the rungs, holding on with both hands, waiting again. Wait and not go into a negative speculation of how long I must wait. Not fear the wait, but see it as a need.

Lots of people talk about waiting on a sure thing, waiting on goodness, waiting on a helping hand, waiting for the storm to pass; this rung waiting. Surely I can raise the courage to continue standing and waiting. Can I do this alone? Can I reach the blue?

Strangely along come friends and offer to wait with me; they just climb down the ladder into the shadows and wait with me. We wait on my energy to go again.

My mind “sees” that the friends came down and can go back; living, breathing positive affirmations encouraging me to reach up for the blue. Climbing as I climb, together we go wanting the blue; this blue.

Gives new meaning to being in a blue mood.

A piece of life

My sadness comes in waves today.
I try to let it flow in, then out of my mind.

I won’t take the time to rhyme.
Because today is just s day to use for feeling.

Why throw the day away?
Why not feel all the pain and be done?

I cannot change the way I am; plagued by problems that tear me apart.
There is no one to stop by and sing to my heart.

Most of my friends live in the screen world.
How did that come to be for me?

Sometimes I don’t think I want them to know me at all.
But suddenly I write something so transparent and they help me find a piece of life.

It’s time to go outside to sit in the sun.
Watch the animals play and forget the waves.

Find waves of happiness to flow in, and then out.
Wait for sundown and give the waves of sadness the night off.

One dream

I only have one dream
To get what I want
And no-one will stop me
Unless they’re cruel

Five months ‘effing’ off
Thinking this
Thinking that
Thinking wrong

I only have one dream
For me and my life
And no-one will stop me
Unless they’re crazy

Five months of words
Changing this
Changing that
Forgive and go

I only have one dream
I only HAVE one dream
I only have ONE dream
One DREAM

Living Fragile

Sometimes when life seems so fragile
A beginning feeling of peace arrives
From a source within and without
We bow our head
Acknowledge kindness
Receive the gift that helps us heal

We wrap the peace around our bodies
Longing for immediate relief
And find instead temporary solace
We bend our knees
Capture completeness
And let it work through all our days

Discover being fragile is not a curse
For peace will come and peace will go
From everything we are to what we will become
We praise the Creator
As everlasting love
Relieves our fear of living fragile

The Nation's First Peoples: Two Wolves

I'd like to share this story with you. It brought great thought to me.



Two Wolves

An Old Cherokee is teaching his Grandson about Life....

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Source: The Spiritual Network

Staying on track or a new direction?

I left what I call a “political blogging” group in September 2008. It was taxing and my strength seemed destroyed because the I could not manage my life. It proved to be too much responsibility for me, even though I was the “least” of the writers. My role was to open the hearts and minds of those who would choose peace as a rule.

Ironically it took leaving the political group to discover another group concerned with “mental health issues.” I went for help to restore my mind, body, and essence. Things fell into place after that, as I read and listened to their “living problems.” Living as surely as all the positive choices they made. Living but finding new direction. Living and staying on track. So new to the subject of “what is” my mental health; feeling fear of the “what if I can’t learn, retain, survive the truth?” It has been a while since I began traveling with friends and supporters of an ‘empathetic community’ of bloggers.

A re-evaluation might be helpful to determine the next move for my life. There’s a list I’ve put together of questions, ideas, subjects, problems, and all sorts of things that I want to know. I just look at that mess of tracks in the photo and wonder if I can somehow travel several at a time? I remain positive that I have many answers within myself. I may need to blog them out.

Zimbio restored my zines!

I’m back on my island: Zimbio Island, a place of luscious lands, different peoples, with various topics and tropics of interest. Hooray!

Thank you Zmbio for helping me to get both wikizines restored and reopened. My blogspots are already loading into my zines.

a piece of history

It angers me to think that childhood was full of cruel jokes. Jokes played on me and each other.
Jokes of competition:
“I have, but you don’t.”
“I’m smart, but you’re not.”
“I’m loved, but you are a slave who must settle for what you’re allowed.”
And my personal favorite:
“If I want what you have or what you have been promised, then you won’t get it.”

I used to sit and cry about not getting my Grandmother’s china cabinet. It was promised to me when I was nine years old. I was the only one ever allowed to play with the special items inside of it. May sound silly to you, but I loved that old piece of furniture.

Seems my Grandmother left it to my Dad and it sits in his house. He decided he wanted it and I could have it after he passed away. He tried using it against me to get favors done until I’d had enough of the game. I went out and bought one; he was really angry about that. A reaction I didn’t really expect.

So what I gleaned from this was what I call, “dangling the carrot”. Farmers would attach a carrot with string to a pole. Then dangle the carrot in front of the nose to get their mule to move. The mule would continually try to grab the carrot. As soon as the mule would get close, the farmer would yank the pole and move the carrot away. I didn’t feel like being the mule.

The best part is… I don’t want to be the farmer either. Just proves that though I’ve been through some strange stuff, I don’t have to exhibit the same behavior. I don’t feel the need to compete with or for people, places or things. You don’t know how freeing that is. I don’t feel the need to be jealous of others, wearing my insecurity on my sleeve. There is no one else like me.

A note to my reading and writing friends

photo by Karen Marshall


It has been my pleasure to have two wikizines on the Zimbio website. However within the last nine months my zines have suffered damage from various incidents. Many articles have been lost that cannot be replaced. Some I do not have copies of, especially, if it involved a computer “crash.”

You may have read: (1) “Remove the Rose Colored Glasses,” or (2) “Arch-ing.”

As of February 23, 2009 both were deleted from viewing and their accounts closed. My apology, and I hope this does not bring any inconvenience to any of you, my fellow readers and writers.

~dcrelief~ will remain on “Blogger”. I am always grateful that you read along. Your comments are always welcome and greatly appreciated.

With heartfelt gratitude,

Dixie

Post script: You’ll be the first to know if I create a new Zimbio wikizine!
Hmm; what would we call it?

Used words

Something I want to say
My heart just wants to let it out
The thoughts just repeating within
And they’re used words, used words

Something I want to do
There’s no way I can be wrong
To take the time to touch life
With used words, used words

Something I want to feel
And all alone I’ll have it
I know somehow that life will be
About used words, used words

Something I’ll have to live
Take my chance and find my peace
I know alone that life will be
Used words, used words


*photo: Hieroglyphics found in Great Pyramid titled, "The First Time"

A turn

I don’t always know
What’s on the other side?
Of where I’m leaving
Will I be grieving?

I don’t always see
The best reality
But hear me
Don’t fear me

I’m moving
I’m walking on through
Taking a turn
I thought I’d take

A turn

I don’t who will be
On that side to greet
And hug me
Sweet words pour on me

I’m moving
I’m walking on through
Taking a turn
I thought I’d take

A turn

dedication to LR

To my friend, LR, who doesn't care what I do as long as I'm happy.
Finally after 605 blog articles, a dedicated blog to you. How good is this?
Thank you for your support, friendship, and patience.
Love, Dixie

Tree House

It was the finest tree I ever owned and I gave it to the guys.
No more climbing it you see; would be a tree house to the skies.
We saved a little money and my Dad sure helped us out.
To ward off all the bad guys we made a sign that read: “Keep Out!”

The floors were laid with heavy planks and fastened down with nails.
The spaces left between allowed the planks to gently swell.
We had to have two railings: a foot rest and one for arms.
A rope was added to a branch to escape from any harm.

Our tree house christened “Nautilus” was ready to be shown.
My heart was all aflutter ‘til I saw the sign and groaned.
“No Girls Allowed, and this means YOU and we will take a stand
To drive you far away from here and curse you off this land!”

Girls will laugh and girls will cry but I could not do either.
I smiled a smirk, turned with a jerk, and left them for the ether.
My dogwood tree it beckoned me and off I went to climb.
Then slowly let the tears escape while citing funny rhymes.

They never knew the pain I felt; I buried it inside;
And still today when I recall the tree house I confide,
That though I never saw the top and no one bid me in,
I never want to be as one that's “not allowed” again!

"Remove the Rose Colored Glasses"

Finally on Zimbio I was able to get my wikizine working again. So many twists and turns to maneuver. Lots of other zines to check out. I did not want to lose mine.

I would personally like to thank "Tony" and the staff for investigating the problem.

Most sincerely, dcrelief

Burning both ends

If you don’t mind
I’m reliably blind
The candle is my only glow

It speaks to my heart
It renders life’s spark
For sharing the path that I go

While burning both ends
I must never pretend
That I have the answers for show

My new candle’s ready
In time I am steady
To light up the night and sow

Sorting

I was helping a friend of mine sort socks from the dryer. Two adults and five children make a lot of socks to sort. Any white socks with orange stripe or orange color were for the youngest one. I continued as each child had his or her own assigned color. Don’t laugh, it worked perfectly; it did not take as long as I first thought.

If only I could sort through my own life that way. Assign a color for billing, a color for shopping days, and a color that told me to drive this day. But then, why couldn’t I use a color system? With the limitations I have that are not going away, I need the simplicity of a system works better than what I have now.

My issues are all together, herded together like wild animals but not as pretty and interesting as the animals. I found this photo, of a painting, from years ago and was pleasantly surprised when my eyes focused on the horses. How many were there? Translate that to my issues: how many were staring back at me waiting for me to focus on, sort it out, and resolve?

Lately I’ve had some pleasant distractions that help me to relax and get some issues off of my mind. There has immerged a priority list to work on. So do I take the orange magic marker (crayon) and put a dot on the calendar to help me sort? I’ll have to get back to you. I need to count the number of color crayons I have.

Any suggestions: reply to the lavender dot. O

seeing the beauty of a lifetime

Many only see beauty in life. Many look only to the outer beauty. But we all know the secret. Look beyone life, beyond death, and envision a beauty that displays the entire essence of the life lived.


Like a leaf that "says" I've been here for all seasons this past year. I'm leaving buds to come and give you more beauty for the coming year, and those beyond.

Or a ninety-two year old man who has seven children grown, ten grand children grown, and now four great grandchildren growing. It's about the seeing.