‘Sister’
When I was three, I realized
That I was not one of ‘the guys’
I wore a dress for outside play
While they wore pants; it was their way
I was a girl and they were boys
I sat and listened to their noise
So much delight there in the dirt
Yet when I played they all were curt
‘You can’t do this, you’re just a girl
Go to your place and leave our world.’
They did not care that I’d object
Nor that I felt their cruel reject
My place of beauty and delight
A sanctuary in my sight
It had four trees and lovely ground
From there they couldn’t hear a sound
I played and sang a song for them
Hoping one day that we’d be friends
Yet things continue to be the same
I am their ‘sister’, without a name
I apologize for this rather sad tale of childhood experience. However, it was in taking note of this situation, that I realized the answer to another. I have always felt rejected by my siblings. If they were allowed to ‘reject’ me, then might my parents also have been rejecting me? Three year olds do not have the capacity to ‘work through’ feelings and issues the same way that adults do. It has taken me some time to figure out my gut feelings on rejection. The hardest issue has been my rejection of self. In my zeal to embrace me and others, I have become a control freak.
Today I will stop forcing things to happen. Instead I will allow things to happen naturally. If I catch myself trying to force events or control people, I will stop and figure out a way to detach. I need peace and harmony as I let go. Just let it go.
The easiest and the hardest thing to do. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteYou too Paige!
ReplyDeleteAs Alanis says it - letting go can bring "more than you can handle" at times, but in letting it go, it brings the moment that you touch ground. Well done on this moment. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Dixie,
ReplyDeleteYes, a very sad poem. Yet you realise that you must let go of past childhood events.
I understand the trauma that rejection can have, it can erode our validity.
You do move on, you gain strength in the knowledge that you can create your own destiny.
Believe me when I say, that in regards to rejection; I also have had many a painful childhood experience.
Stay strong with peace and harmony, Dixie. Warm wishes, Gary.
A jewel shining through:
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting.
Along with letting go, I've had to relearn that everything has a purpose; it's for me to make the best use of it. Experience being the teacher, I suppose.
Take care, Dixie
Hi Gary,
ReplyDeleteIn my community the same mindset between males and females exist. Writing this poem had a cleansing affect on me... and gave me the strength to move a bit further away from old gunk.(rubbish)
By accepting and detaching myself from unhealthy feelings I am able to stop being so frightened and overwhelmed. New habits formed new strength.
Thank you for your comment Gary.
Kind regards, Dixie
letting it go is good.It makes one happy.
ReplyDeleteI have been rejected by people,although not all.Recently I came to know a thing one of my friends did.Nothing which can be remotely classified as un-loyal.
I value my relationships and there is no grey area for me.I give my 100% and expect the same from others.
I then realized that it is selfish of me to set too high standards for others.I just have to set standards for myself and let others be as they are.
I can always disassociate myself if I find them unworthy.But I need to be reasonable.
But ego hurts.
You, once again, are finding 'sanctuary' by releasing negative emotions and thoughts. Just as you did as a child (in your poem). That is good, I'd say, Dixie. The most difficult step...is that first step towards finding inner peace...your inner light. May you shine, my friend.(smile)
ReplyDeleteAs always, I loved stopping by to read your blog. Just a pleasure for me.
'Til next time,
Mattie
Desperado:
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it. Ego hurts.
My ego, desires, and expectations of others, are set before me. Whenever anger arises, I use it to take responsible action to let go of the problem or situation, and enjoy what's left. I've had a very happy weekend.
Thank you for your visit friend.
Dear Mattie,
ReplyDeleteInner peace, inner light, seems to be in my grasp, but then I foolishly follow after emotional drama; allowing myself to be caught up by the limitations others set for me and those I set for me.
Then I realise that no one can set anything for me. It is only me, once again, allowing intervention; giving place to the drama.
Therefore I chose to fight my mind's lies. I need that sanctuary.
Thank you for your beautiful comments. I'm glad you visit here.
In peace,
Dixie
Some hurts do stay with us our entire lives, and we must deal with them again and again throughout life to come to an understanding of ourselves and our feelings. Each person deals with that differently. Your poetry is a perfect way to do so, and if it is sad, then that is OK! Your words are your deepest inner feelings and need to come out as they have done in this entry. Brenda
ReplyDeleteDear Brenda,
ReplyDeleteSomes day I don't get it, other days I do. Thank you for helping me have a "get it" day! Be well and take good care of you.
My appreciation,
Dixie