Prologue:
What do you do when you can't figure out people and their motives? What do you do when their conversations are manipulative, or at best, strange? If you're like me; you write a letter to “Nowhere.”
“Nowhere”: a place where thoughts can go and dissolve into particles of energy that mesh with the rest of the universe... and hopefully will not bounce back and bite me in the saddle.
• I do not look lightly at the self-serving attitude that stands at the door waiting to take me in. Humility bids me to continue my journey without judgment, lest I enter the door and not come out. And sometimes I fail and have to write a second letter to “Nowhere.”
Dear “Nowhere”, and to the person who would rob me of my joy:
I wanted to do a special thing. A special project allowing me pleasure to use my abundance of time that becoming disabled had shared with me.
I would write. I worked hard toward my goal and utilized patience to watch it grow. Feeling an immense joy and a good tiredness, I set about adding other things to keep the project going. Maybe I could photograph some of my paintings and use them to accompany my writings?
• I thought I was impervious to complications, ugly remarks, and judgments from people.
Then I got a phone call from a relative; her advice was sharp. Keep in mind that she “called” me; I did not call her! She concluded that my focus of “having abundant time” was like a person “exhibiting an abundance of self-worth.” She pounded one more nail before I excused myself from the phone: “You and your project are insignificant; time is relevant and you are wasting it on this foolish project.”
Having left a time period where time was dead for me, I could not fathom why the robber defined my project as insignificant and foolish? Maybe she’d never heard of the pair of shoes I was forced to wear? Those shoes were uncomfortable; I made the change to walk barefooted.
• I didn’t need to re-do it all over again; but I wanted to be able to close my eyes and remember it. Remember the passion of sitting down and writing a song, or creating charcoal and black conte sketches on the finest papers I could afford! If no one wanted me to exist on this earth, this beautiful earth, then why put me here?!
My joy came from the fact that I was busy, and having daily goals to meet and people wanted what I was doing; a very big surprise! Living became inventing and the foundation I had as a child was still there, moving to the surface to re-teach me. Get past the heat, get past the desires, get past the enablers, and hold hands with the disabled who will reach out to those who need healing too. Just because we look whole, doesn't mean we are whole.
Epilogue:
There are many projects that we do and never expect anyone else to give them a thought. We do them for the sheer joy of doing and sharing. We exist and hopefully our special activities give lessons to anyone who is ready to hear.
• I do not look lightly at the self-serving attitude that would exclaim: "Look at what I'm doing, but rather: look at the higher power who has given me wings to fly.” Humility bids me continue my journey, without judgment, exclaiming… time is HIS.
I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is the fact that the people we care for cannot always give us the acceptance and support that we crave. Sometimes we compromise ourselves to appease others and keep peace in the relationship, sometimes we spit on the ground and walk away, and sometimes we find the courage and wisdom to stand up for ourselves in a way that is loving and compassionate.
ReplyDeleteWhat will you do with your one wild and precious life, Dixie? As you know, you and only you get to choose. Only you will live with the results of your choices. Only you can really understand what it is that makes your life meaningful and fulfilling.
We are responsible for what we do, not what others think and say. If they accept or appreciate us, give thanks. If not, give thanks. Some people are just jealous because they don't find joy in what they are doing. No matter how we try, we will never please everybody.
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I will never allow anyone to rob me of my joy. Momentarily I will feel bad if someone spits at me but at the end of the day, I wlll just bless that person.
I do a similiar thing to your letters to Nowhere and sometimes I blog and other times it stays on my laptop. I look at the progress you are making in the little time that I have known you and thank you for your help and inspiration. Listen to the comments you have here, for here you show your wings, xx
ReplyDeleteDear Clarissa,
ReplyDeleteDuring my life I was a symbiot of my Mom's. Within four months of her death, I "died". I allowed the medical profession to take me further and further down a dark hole until there was no more 'Dixe'. It was so easy. Who knew?
Interestingly, the last thing my Mom said to me was, "Do not let anything or anyone stand in your way of what you want or don't want." I am now at that crossroad.
I greatly appreciate your comment. It fits my current explorations, and I shall keep it in front of me as I continue. My gratitude to you.
Dear Jun Bullan,
ReplyDeleteRead my comment, please, to Clarissa. As a symbiot I was used to my Mom being the dominant personality, making most to all, of my life's decisions.
Her death meant that now I had to take over that responsibility. I still second guess my decisions and sometimes that makes things worse. I don't know how to stop doing that.
Maybe if I'd understood what she meant, then I'd have been angry, but I did not know. Today I do know what she meant and I'm glad I did not understand her. And.. I'm still not angry; yes 'bless' her.
Dear 'A jewel shining through",
ReplyDeleteYour own blog has been, to me, like an open window, allowing fresh air to circulate in my life.
Indeed, all of the comments are much like windows to the soul. We may 'see' for each other, and share what life has given us within our own experience.
Thank you for being there for me so many times. xx
My heart aches with you, Dixie, as you face this crossroads. I read a strength in your words that, perhaps, you don't realize you possess.
ReplyDeleteJust by thinking and writing about taking control of what affects your life represents an amazing revelation...and, yes, strength.
I gathered enough energy today to visit you here. My first day of posting anything!!(smile) I found your words quite inspiring ...Please, stay strong and full of your own convictions.
If my strength holds out...I'll be back soon.
Blessings to you,
Mattie
Well, hello!
ReplyDeleteStrength is something I find when I’m tired of feeling weak. That statement prompted an old conversation with my Mom when I was in college. I asked her why I couldn’t let go of something. She said I couldn’t let go because I was weak.
Letting go became another way to traumatize myself. If I couldn’t let go, I punished myself; won’t get into that. Recently I have begun to know that there are other ways to handle it and not create a “lose-lose” situation for myself and or another.
It’s being a new person… and without my symbiotic nature you could say that that’s exactly what is happening to me now.
Thank you. I feel very much honored that you visited and left a comment. Stay well you! Who’s going to write about “Larry the cable guy”?
"What do you do when you can't figure out people and their motives? What do you do when their conversations are manipulative, or at best, strange? If you're like me; you write a letter to “Nowhere.”
ReplyDeleteDixie, this seems to me that writing a letter to 'nowhere' is therapeutic coping tool for you. Whatever works for us.
Although, not always easy, I try not to expend too much energy trying to figure out the motives, if any, of others. If I believe that I am being disrespected, devalued or subjected to unfair judgement; I distance myself from the negativity.
Dixie, this is about you and your life. You have plans, you have goals. Do not let the fact that someone considers your project insignificant, in any way impede you from realising your significant dreams that you wish to make reality.
Stay strong and please maintain your positive focus.
Peace and respect, Gary.
Hi Gary,
ReplyDeleteWriting ‘it out’ has always been good for me. The years I could not write were torture. My mind was closed.
I was not raised to be around people; their presence is often scary, and sometimes, I fear what may come from my mouth. In the blog world, I’ve told myself I can survive. Should I distance me from me … lol? It is my own negativity that I run from.
I’m beginning to feel hope, moving toward the place where I want to be; nothing will stop that. Like others who read your blogs, I feel empowered. Thank you for your kind, positive, and uplifting comments. Peace and respect are real.
I'm sorry to hear about your fathers behaviour towards you. Who knows what thoughts pushed him to do what he did, maybe through his eyes he felt he was doing the right thing. He may have felt that was the right thing to do from the way he was brought up or maybe he was just an angry person with no control. If he hasn’t already, he will be punished for what he did, justice is always served in one way or the other. Its not always served on time or in an obvious way but it is.
ReplyDelete:) your teacher, she either helped you or made things worse at home. But bless her for trying.
I suppose we all deal with things in our own way, you say you leave when you cant handle things, some might see that as running away but its always one step at a time. By writing what you did you didn’t run away and as silly as it was for you to think about you managed to continue writing long enough to finish your comment.
They say writing is therapeutic, so your letters to nowhere, silly as they seem, they are helping release your emotions. I'm guilty of writing a few of those letters :) in fact I keep a notebook filled with my emotions, and I constantly update it and afterwards I feel so much more better.
I hope I'm not digging up old wounds for no reason and if anytime you feel as thought I'm pushing you to tell me more, then feel free to show me the door.
Take care x
MM&I,
ReplyDeleteHow wild is this? You must write my bio! You know back when I was a kid, there was this old religious saying: 'Spare the rod and spoil the child.' I heard it thousands of times. Then one day an old prophet told me it's meaning.
Of course people thought if you didn't beat your children then they would continue to 'sin'.
The old prophet said the rod was the staff of the shepherd. The shepherd would 'lightly' tap the sheep and they would begin to follow him. So if you spare the rod, the sheep might wander off and even get hurt; the shepherd would feel terrible about that.
:) teacher did okay.
:} so do you! Thanks.