Little Lives

I’ve long held a passion for the creatures called seahorses. Until I touched one and looked “him” directly in the eye, I knew nothing. In that very instant I knew the meaning of the universe: to give and be given to.

Several years ago I was walking along a shore at the Outer Banks of North Carolina. It was a blustery March day and I walked facing the sun to feel warmth upon my face. In the water lay a smallish dark green lump I thought to be seaweed. I removed a glove and scooped up what was a six inch seahorse! He was so still, I thought at first it was dead.

It lay there, and then a tiny contraction in the tail caught my attention quickly. I soon realized the water in my hand was almost gone and the seahorse was looking for more water; its home after all. I spoke aloud, “Are you alive?” As if to answer, “Yes,” it raised its head, which looked just like that of a great steed, and looked directly into my eyes. I could see the soul of the tiny creature as the last couple of drops of water approached its nostrils. I had to act quickly.

Into the ocean I waded some ten feet, water up around my thighs. Gently I placed the tiny seahorse into the area before the tide approached. I hoped this would give it a chance to survive, without being dragged back in by the undertow; the same undertow I was beginning to feel at my ankles. The tail kicked and off it went. I turned to wade out, so elated by the look on that tiny face. Such trust and love that emanated; I cannot explain it. In the moment I was so glad it would not be part of my beach treasure, but would continue living. It wanted to live.

Another thirty or so feet down the shore, and I came upon many seahorses that had already died, and were stiff upon the sand. A lady was collecting them as decorations for her shop artistry. My heart jumped to my throat, but she explained that it was “their season” to come and die upon the beach. She handed me one about 2.5 inches long, nowhere near the size of the one I’d just returned to the ocean, yet the same form and color as the other. That “light” was gone from the eyes; this one having come in and embraced the season.

Today I look at the eyes of little lives; they tell me a lot about myself.
I want to live.

The Roundabout

Thank you: Elizabeth Evans for the photo use.

A photo that brought back instantaneous memories of sheer joy and treasured squeals! Many times my friends and I would make the trip down to the park to ride the roundabout. “Please hold on to the bar.”

Usually an adult would get us started. We’d whirl ‘round and ’round, and it was no surprise if one of us got sick. Often it was that one of the Moms would grab some cool water from the fountain to place on a forehead to stop nausea. “Someone stop my stomach from moving too.”

Today I ride by abandoned playgrounds where the equipment was painted with lead paint. No one wants to spend the money to tear them down, but no one wants to offer anything new either. I shudder to think how much lead did I absorb from the favorite, and often visited roundabout? Yet the memories, the laughter, and the friends make it seem so far a way, and less worrisome.

Today I called the city to see what a new roundabout might cost. Thinking it might be nice to give something back that was so simple, so endearing, and so much fun. Would you believe the bureaucratic tape costs more than the roundabout? Then there are the maintenance clause costs, the taxes, the inspections, and so on. Whose getting a ride?

Happy Nuts-ster?

Just think about it.

Are we done yet?
Have those silly rabbits left?
Can we please have a squirrel day?
Like a ‘Happy Nuts-ster” day?

No, this doesn’t rhyme. It’s not meant to rhyme.
I’m serious though! We could hide nuts.
Lots of children eat nuts.
If they can’t find them, well, we squirrels would help do our part.
We would take care of the environment.
No nuts shall be left behind.

Besides it’s not like leaving a boiled egg for a year.
You might grow a nut tree or a nut bush.
Just think about it.
Meanwhile, Happy Nuts-ster!

In regal beauty... the red Gerber bathes

An awe-inspiring flower did touch my heart one day
And though its beauty yielded radiance, I had no words to say.
I watched the petals form and fan in no short span of time.
While gradually I felt its power that swayed this regal rhyme.

A sprinkling of the rain fell softly and hung.
Round beads as golden glass on the petals they clung.
My eyes filled with wonder and small human tears.
This beauty before me was tender and dear.

A bath from on high caused the glistening and shine.
It prompted my memory to also be thine.
Put all of my trust in the lord of the lathe.
And seek my own duty… as the red Gerber… bathes.

Hop to it

I’ve worn out my legs
You still want more eggs
In pink or in blue
Delivered for you?

Hard candy and pop
Cute baskets each stop
With ribbons and card
And stuff made of lard?

Sweet chocolate bunny
Why is that so funny?
Marshmallow dream stuffs
I prefer cream puffs

My feet on vacation
There’s no more occasion
The end of the season
With hop to it reason

Taking Action

Some days I feel no more mature than this photo of a family member. I feel small, unprotected and indecisive. Recent events and helpful friends have helped me see that I need to take action. I need to get things moving in the right direction to have a better life. Yes, and even get down in the dirt when need be. Walk toward the dreams I can create in reality, one at a time.

I’ve written previously, that as a child I was very much alone; maybe too much so, as there was so little or no interaction with possible friends. I still fear having friends. It is a big responsibility to do the right thing for myself and others. It takes me time to realize my mistakes with friends and then I work very hard to correct my previous action or inaction. Such is that case for me lately.

My head is so cluttered that I often misconstrue what’s really being explained. I’ve taken to writing down notes to remind me of what is the best plan for my life. The hard part is: sometimes I have to retreat in order to move ahead. Sometimes I need “me time” to stop and look at where I’m at. The present is where I need to be… not jumping back and forth between past and future.

Then sometimes I have to let go of a friends to make sure I have their best interest at heart. I need to put judgments aside and let people live the way they chose. I need to realize that they are human like me, trying to survive and lead a happy life. That means making a conscious decision, on my part, and taking action; the adult thing to do. ~Dixie

A Wednesday wink

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching last year???

She looked into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's Sunday school teacher.'

Her Thorn

It pricked her hand and then she bled
This sullen rose she’d always fed
No blossoms here in two long years
With only thorns to prompt her tears

She’d cut it down if she were mad
To stop the times it made her sad
Yet purposely it served her well
And helped her find a voice to yell

Then tears did fall and cleanse her thought
Relieving her of what life wrought
Into a tiny handkerchief
She breathed the air and felt relief

Her Rose

She walked her dream and looked around
With smallest flowers on the ground
The yellow bees were buzzing by
She spied a rose, and heard it sigh

The tiny drops of dew were clear
And playfully as she came near
The thorns did glistened but obeyed
The hand that once had held the spade

The hand that held a knife to prune
A blossom tender for her room
Did cut the rose, a fragrant scent
She’d not return ‘til this one spent

Letting Go

‘Sister’

When I was three, I realized
That I was not one of ‘the guys’
I wore a dress for outside play
While they wore pants; it was their way

I was a girl and they were boys
I sat and listened to their noise
So much delight there in the dirt
Yet when I played they all were curt

‘You can’t do this, you’re just a girl
Go to your place and leave our world.’
They did not care that I’d object
Nor that I felt their cruel reject

My place of beauty and delight
A sanctuary in my sight
It had four trees and lovely ground
From there they couldn’t hear a sound

I played and sang a song for them
Hoping one day that we’d be friends
Yet things continue to be the same
I am their ‘sister’, without a name

I apologize for this rather sad tale of childhood experience. However, it was in taking note of this situation, that I realized the answer to another. I have always felt rejected by my siblings. If they were allowed to ‘reject’ me, then might my parents also have been rejecting me? Three year olds do not have the capacity to ‘work through’ feelings and issues the same way that adults do. It has taken me some time to figure out my gut feelings on rejection. The hardest issue has been my rejection of self. In my zeal to embrace me and others, I have become a control freak.

Today I will stop forcing things to happen. Instead I will allow things to happen naturally. If I catch myself trying to force events or control people, I will stop and figure out a way to detach. I need peace and harmony as I let go. Just let it go.

Appreciate all life (part 2)

The painting: “The Diver and the cave”, by dcrelief

After many years of a medicated life and feeling numb to anything or anyone, I finally chose to come off of the medications and take my chances on finding some normalcy again. Yes I had some issues that had plagued for a long time that needed addressing. And I also found out that I had an illness called Fibromylagia which had induced my original depression. I wasn’t clinically depressed; however the damage done by the medications left me without a life. My mind fought hard to regain the cognitive abilities and my body, so racked by side effects, would never be the same.

Along came the day I decided to take up painting again and I wanted to do a study in black backgrounds. Reflective of my feelings at that time, black was invisible, which is how I felt. Since then black has come to be the very show piece for allowing my paintings, pictures, and photos to “pop” off the page.

This first painting called, “The Diver and the Sea Slug” was so easy and yet I spent three days fighting my insides, screaming at me, that I could not do a painting. I decided to just blank out my thoughts and let the brush and colors flow as they would. I soon learned that divers always travel in pairs! Thus along came painting number two: “The Diver and the cave”.

I did the painting for a friend and his wife, using a combination of photos they had. I listened in amazement as they told of the things they had seen underwater; the precious view they had developed for all life. From the tiniest sea creatures and larger mammals traveling great oceans, to the very divers in their group, each form of life has a place in the great cycle of existence. Though some may disappear and new ones come along, it behooves us to appreciate all life.

Hmm, each form has a place? I wasn’t sure of mine but this was a beginning thing to find me, and see what I could be… again… anew.

Some Days

The Commodore Six was speeding along
I stood by the road, with my road-singing song
‘One for a Chevy, two for a Ford
Three for the Hudson’ that snagged me onboard

I went through the grill except for my hand
My legs and my torso now wrapped the oil pan
My right hand was busy as I pulled some wires
I listened for music but only heard tires

The engine was strong and roared through its courses
Quite pleased with the power of six hundred horses
The trip uneventful, I bored of black top
And promised to leave at the very next stop

The Examined Life

Daily life exists on many levels.
Different creatures exist and respect should be given.

The shyness of one is our chance to be tender.
The boldness of another is our chance to be taught.

Could I...?

Could I be a shining light, illuminate the darkest night?

Could I help a soul find rest by giving one my very best?

Could I tell of hopeful things, wait for peace, and what it brings?


I don’t know but I can try

Write my thoughts and let them fly

Help to clarify one’s view

For better life, a better you


Could I write the things that help, that don’t create a nasty whelp?

Could I let my feelings out, to let you learn without a doubt?

That life goes on and we go too, with hearts together staying true?

I would.

My best reality...

Painting by dcrelief: "The Abandoned Boat" posted to Zimbio May 01, 2008


Recently I’ve experienced what I call, “my late night search.”
Hours up, hours down, yet still looking for happiness answers.
I’ve tried people, places, and things to give me what I desire.
What do I desire?

I desire the feeling I had when I began to write over the internet.
That first feeling that I did not know would arrive: joy.
My “Higher Power” and I made a few plans, but mostly, I simply wrote.
I need that joyful feeling back in my life.

Many have spoken to me, advised me, supported me, and have shown love.
Why can’t that be enough?
It is enough, when I allow my “Higher Power” to interpret and guide me.
I get lost when I ignore what I’ve proven carefully, personally, to myself.

I would sit down at my keyboard and it would become much like a virtual piano.
I typed as if each post was a song that I only played for my Higher Power.
The melodies were strong, the words flowed freely; I felt complete.
My best reality… I felt complete. What's next?

Oops!

Give yourself an hour to cool off before responding to someone who has provoked you. It if involves something really important, give yourself overnight.

Good advice or not?

Easier said than done?

Not that I’m looking to be provoked; I’m looking for ways to give myself a break.

I don’t deserve to be provoked by anyone, and most certainly, I choose to stop compounding the issue with a rude response.

Now the big decision: how large should I write this on my office bulletin board so I’ll see it before I respond?

“Take charge of your attitude. Don’t let someone else choose it for you.”

Taking the reluctant challenge

Life may present a challenge I’d rather not face.
It may feel like an uphill climb; an awkward climb.
It’s good to know that I don’t have to face it alone.
In hope I gather the right gear and try.

Empty but full

I don’t know what I want anymore. I think I’m close to collapse. Almost drove myself to the hospital yesterday. It’s hard to keep things in order without a list. So I’ve started a list. The trouble is: once I get a list done, I change it. Once I make a decision, I find it hard to stick with it. I need help sorting it out.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write when I sat down. It’s not much of anything but I’m determined to try. I seem to have forgotten that I love me. I seem to want to punish myself for having feelings that make me feel joy. I’ve placed myself in anguish over the fact that I am impatient to complete a dream. An important dream that can only wait, for only time can tell if it will become reality.

Today I’ve decided that if I want to cry, then I’m going to have a good cry. Get it all out if possible and let the emptiness go on down the road. I’m tired of flip-flopping… the indecisiveness is stressful. I can make mistakes. I’m a human being and I do make wrong decisions.

I do love me. I do care about me. I am going to fight for me to rise above the ash heap and have my day. I will make the right decision because it will be for me. It will have to be one that takes care of me. It’s important that I write this. It’s important that I share this. Why? One day someone may come along and have the same feelings that I’m having; the same feelings of indecisiveness. Maybe hanging onto all of the hope they can get, but still indecisive. Maybe this will offer comfort to know that people experience similar pain.

Okay, so I’m better off than the first sentence I wrote, even though I only wrote it a few minutes ago. I’m empty but I’m full.

A place of colour

I’m in the process of making a big decision. I have the chance to leave my place of grey and travel to a place of colour. It involves people I’m not used to being around on a daily basis. They have expressed a strong desire that I come there. They support my need and want me to be a healthier, happier person. Maybe that’s all I need: people who care.

It would really benefit me in the long run with other plans that I’ve formulated. Once I confront and clear up this moment, the present, I can move on to the next moment. Stop looking back. Stop looking too far into the future; simply live.

I’m letting you know because you are my “first friends”; the first to give me courage. All of you have been here for me as I have tried to be here for all of you. That will not stop. I’ll simply be sharing a new place with you. (Sounds like that decision is getting firmer.)

Relief for dc

A friend called Saturday after he’d read my article “Wanting the blue: Blue Mood”. I got tickled when he said, “The photo is great. The blue sky is beautiful. But you’ve got to stop looking up or you’ll trip over your feet. You need to climb on out and start looking at the horizon.” The encouragement I received prompted me to take a second look.

That ladder in the photograph with the article did seem daunting with such a steep climb presented, yet at times I feel as if I’ve stepped into a hole (ironically with a ladder), and it will be a while before I rise above it. But here was one saying, “climb on out,” set your focus on the horizon. There are your goals.

So I climbed up each rung as carefully and quickly as I could. There was no sense letting my fear of heights stop me, much less slow me down. To delay might mean that I’d be stuck there. What I needed was relief from my self; relief from wrongfully judging myself for being human.

“You’ve inspired me and I have written something with you in mind,” he said. So after we hung up I looked for the various items and articles that this fascinating person always manages to produce. I was not disappointed but elated that the goals of his journey continue so admirably.

That is what I want to get back to with my own writing. Meeting the goals I’ve set and still giving to others along the way. With that in mind, another thought came to me: Find a moment of peace; hold it in your heart; be thankful when possible.

Yes, I would try to keep that in mind. In the midst of hardship find a moment, a single moment of peace; then hold it and treasure it. As soon as I can, I make the time to express thankfulness. It does indeed create a positive environment between my ears, spreading deep into my soul; out into the blue and the universe of all thought.