Friday, March 20, 2009
Empty but full
I don’t know what I want anymore. I think I’m close to collapse. Almost drove myself to the hospital yesterday. It’s hard to keep things in order without a list. So I’ve started a list. The trouble is: once I get a list done, I change it. Once I make a decision, I find it hard to stick with it. I need help sorting it out.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to write when I sat down. It’s not much of anything but I’m determined to try. I seem to have forgotten that I love me. I seem to want to punish myself for having feelings that make me feel joy. I’ve placed myself in anguish over the fact that I am impatient to complete a dream. An important dream that can only wait, for only time can tell if it will become reality.
Today I’ve decided that if I want to cry, then I’m going to have a good cry. Get it all out if possible and let the emptiness go on down the road. I’m tired of flip-flopping… the indecisiveness is stressful. I can make mistakes. I’m a human being and I do make wrong decisions.
I do love me. I do care about me. I am going to fight for me to rise above the ash heap and have my day. I will make the right decision because it will be for me. It will have to be one that takes care of me. It’s important that I write this. It’s important that I share this. Why? One day someone may come along and have the same feelings that I’m having; the same feelings of indecisiveness. Maybe hanging onto all of the hope they can get, but still indecisive. Maybe this will offer comfort to know that people experience similar pain.
Okay, so I’m better off than the first sentence I wrote, even though I only wrote it a few minutes ago. I’m empty but I’m full.