I'm just going to sit down and write whatever comes into my head. I have been empty and blank this week and it scares me. Fibromyalgia fog is not welcome right now. So many things to do, yet physically I am weakened by the stupid medications. Why don't doctors listen to their patiets? Don't we have first hand knowledge of our minds and bodies? Or at least I do.
A lot of people have given me loads of emotional support and I am grateful. I wouldn't trade their kindnesses for anything in the world. From Blogger, Zimbio, and on Facebook... lots of smiles, coffee, and tender hearts have kept me humming along.
Maybe I'll be able to share my misfortune with you sometime. Right now I'm too busy fighting it; very much in the middle. More will be revealed.
Wait I do have a photo. I send it to all of you, with my thanks, for hanging in there with me.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Today I said goodbye to a dream; let it go the way of dreams that taunt.
I never meant to hurt me. I simply thought that it might really happen.
I simply smile now. Smile at the inner kid who really wished on a star.
Things that taunt, things that go bump in the night, reveal their truth in light of day. How I wanted to go and play and never come back down to earth.
I simply smile now. Reality is lifting a burden from my shoulders.
Breathing is easier. I’m not so worried that I’ll disappoint everyone, not fulfill their fantasies for my life. I need to let others make their way as they want.
I simply smile. I look around me, take a step, and as life happens, I go with it.
Sometimes I have a dream that’s never meant to come true; it is simply there to motivate me or teach me what I need to know. I can make the choice to smile now… as life happens… I’m still in it.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A small place, a lone space
my prayers do I say.
Then seagulls come and join me
we rush to our play.
The sun comes up glowing
and gentle winds rise.
I stand on my own
yet learn from the wise.
Do not take too much
do not leave here cold.
Embers now glowing
will pepper your soul.
Return every time
your heart becomes wet.
And find all the lone space
that heals your regret.
In the quiet of the night, I can contemplate the most marvelous things or the most pitiful sorrows. I can make them as big or as small as I choose. With only the low hum of my fan, I sit here and type away. Sometimes I wish I could type away the misery of my own and other people's lives; yet I cannot. It is then that I feel so small. And I type and I type.
In the course of my typing along comes a moment of faith and I am renewed. To the cruelest of people I'd like to say, "keep typing, you're not there yet." To the happiest of people I'd like to say, "Keep sending out what you've typed and encourage us to continue in understanding joy and love."
In the quiet of the night I can type chapter after chapter of my life, knowing they may never be read, save by me? There are chapters that I've written that never a tear was shed, until I reread them. It's also possible that not a tear was shed when an actual event occurred. It is only through the growth of my spirit that I am able to look in hindsight and weep in sorrow or in joy. This is good. This means I'm moving along, while at the same time, I can stand still and feel what I didn't or couldn't before. I find it further astounding that I can take those combined experiences and apply them appropriately to whatever is going on today. I can know when I'm sad. I can know when I'm joyful. I can know when someone else feels those same feelings. I can offer a shoulder, a smile, or both. Yet when the pain of too much sorrow or too much joy would overwhelm me, I move to the quiet of the night and I type.