Friday, March 20, 2009
I don’t know what I want anymore. I think I’m close to collapse. Almost drove myself to the hospital yesterday. It’s hard to keep things in order without a list. So I’ve started a list. The trouble is: once I get a list done, I change it. Once I make a decision, I find it hard to stick with it. I need help sorting it out.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to write when I sat down. It’s not much of anything but I’m determined to try. I seem to have forgotten that I love me. I seem to want to punish myself for having feelings that make me feel joy. I’ve placed myself in anguish over the fact that I am impatient to complete a dream. An important dream that can only wait, for only time can tell if it will become reality.
Today I’ve decided that if I want to cry, then I’m going to have a good cry. Get it all out if possible and let the emptiness go on down the road. I’m tired of flip-flopping… the indecisiveness is stressful. I can make mistakes. I’m a human being and I do make wrong decisions.
I do love me. I do care about me. I am going to fight for me to rise above the ash heap and have my day. I will make the right decision because it will be for me. It will have to be one that takes care of me. It’s important that I write this. It’s important that I share this. Why? One day someone may come along and have the same feelings that I’m having; the same feelings of indecisiveness. Maybe hanging onto all of the hope they can get, but still indecisive. Maybe this will offer comfort to know that people experience similar pain.
Okay, so I’m better off than the first sentence I wrote, even though I only wrote it a few minutes ago. I’m empty but I’m full.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I’m in the process of making a big decision. I have the chance to leave my place of grey and travel to a place of colour. It involves people I’m not used to being around on a daily basis. They have expressed a strong desire that I come there. They support my need and want me to be a healthier, happier person. Maybe that’s all I need: people who care.
It would really benefit me in the long run with other plans that I’ve formulated. Once I confront and clear up this moment, the present, I can move on to the next moment. Stop looking back. Stop looking too far into the future; simply live.
I’m letting you know because you are my “first friends”; the first to give me courage. All of you have been here for me as I have tried to be here for all of you. That will not stop. I’ll simply be sharing a new place with you. (Sounds like that decision is getting firmer.)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
A friend called Saturday after he’d read my article “Wanting the blue: Blue Mood”. I got tickled when he said, “The photo is great. The blue sky is beautiful. But you’ve got to stop looking up or you’ll trip over your feet. You need to climb on out and start looking at the horizon.” The encouragement I received prompted me to take a second look.
That ladder in the photograph with the article did seem daunting with such a steep climb presented, yet at times I feel as if I’ve stepped into a hole (ironically with a ladder), and it will be a while before I rise above it. But here was one saying, “climb on out,” set your focus on the horizon. There are your goals.
So I climbed up each rung as carefully and quickly as I could. There was no sense letting my fear of heights stop me, much less slow me down. To delay might mean that I’d be stuck there. What I needed was relief from my self; relief from wrongfully judging myself for being human.
“You’ve inspired me and I have written something with you in mind,” he said. So after we hung up I looked for the various items and articles that this fascinating person always manages to produce. I was not disappointed but elated that the goals of his journey continue so admirably.
That is what I want to get back to with my own writing. Meeting the goals I’ve set and still giving to others along the way. With that in mind, another thought came to me: Find a moment of peace; hold it in your heart; be thankful when possible.
Yes, I would try to keep that in mind. In the midst of hardship find a moment, a single moment of peace; then hold it and treasure it. As soon as I can, I make the time to express thankfulness. It does indeed create a positive environment between my ears, spreading deep into my soul; out into the blue and the universe of all thought.