Stripping away the rose colored glasses of denial concerning my reality. Getting in touch with truth. Reaching out to others in empathy concerning their reality and their walk to truth.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

She likes, but He likes... part 2 of 2

As promised to some of you, here' s how it ended... at least it seems to have ended.

The sewing machine stands ready  to finish a project that seems to be never-ending. I'm torn between two designs. In the back of my mind, I want to be interrupted. Save me from this "mission impossible," and "oh-no-gotta-get-this-done," attitude. My phone buzzes with an incoming text: "In neighborhood, may I stop by?" The friend I shared cake with is stopping in. I felt a sense of relief... yep that's me, 'dcrelief.' I text back: "Yes!"

Let me list this stuff - I'll never make it through quotation marks and punctuation. I'm just a little blogger. Here' what my friend told me:

He thought I invited him to meet you, as a potential person to date.
He thought you had winked at him several times.
He thought you made the chocolate cake to impress him.
He thought you were playing 'hard to get' by refusing him.
He thought I left the room to give you and he a few minutes alone.
He didn't want to disappoint me, so he asked again, for your phone number. 
That way I'd know, how hard he tried to be polite to my friend.

I gotta tell ya'... I've never laughed so hard in my life! I sat down at the kitchen table, and laughed until the tears fell. Oh, please, let me write all of this down. Go back over everything, 'cause I don't want to miss a thing. Wow!

At first I think she was actually going to accept all of this trash talk. I picked up this list and read it out loud to her. I repeated it as blandly and 'matter of fact' as I could. Just like she did. Probably, just as he did. I barely got through it. No more laughter - I hurt for her.

I handed her the list, "Look at this! You know me! Right? Okay?"

She began to smile. A weak smile. I felt so sorry for her feelings being hurt. I reminded her that he didn't even know I would be there. So, where did he get these expectations "she had of him, to ask me out?" I told her, give him a couple days to think how's he going to get around this, and he'll call. She wants to why I would say this?

Unfortunately I hate getting involved with other people's relationships. Sensing the dance between you two has been interesting, but not a priority for me to interject an opinion. I'm hearing snips and bits but hey, you are both adults. Now, I am involved. You are being blamed because I rejected his advances. Think about that. Look at that last remark:

"That way 'you'd' know how hard 'he' tried to be polite to 'your friend.' " 
Therefore, it's your fault he didn't succeed.
Can you wrap your head around what's he's doing?

Next, he'll be telling you that something must be wrong with me, because I rejected him. 
(Yeah, and then the light came on in her head! He'd already called and started complaining. Poor baby!)

I introduced my friend to some compact discs, discussing "The Narcissistic Personality." We watched a couple, and I couldn't help but shed a tear with her. It's tough when you love people; you're willing to help in any way you can. But you might allow loneliness and desperation to get you involved with those who are predators.

She'll be here for the weekend... maybe Thursday too. It's escapism, but I completely understand. Some times all it takes is a true friend, and a vacation from the environment. I don't want praise. I want my friend to be safe and happy. 

So that's 2 of 2...  now you know. Be safe, people.


  1. See, I just knew you winked at him :))
    I feel sorry for the guy too... it ain't easy around ladies :)

    1. Yeah, Dezz, that was the problem... me winking. ;>) Wrong!

      I have empathy for both of them, but I cannot change either one. She needs to watch these disc, if for no other reason than to understand her part. If he is narcissistic, she needs to know how she's attracting these individuals into her life.

      Okay, so he may have honestly misinterpreted the little gathering, but I think he knows she's attracted to him. I'm also concerned she's not accepting 'no' as his answer. Then again, it sounds like he enjoys the attention. This is not a good situation.

      I certainly appreciate your comment. Since I don't know him, it's very hard to know, what if any motives, he has. (smile).

  2. Yeah, he was quick to put blame on someone else instead of himself. That's a very classic symptom of a selfish, self-centered person. Your friend has a good friend in you. If she heeds your words, then she'll be all the happier and wiser. She deserves better than this man has to offer.

    1. Cathy, for me it's almost a gut feeling about his actions. Having gone through something similar years back, it still amazes me, the power these people think they have. And when they meet the "right" person it seems to come out full speed. If he can't have awareness, at least I can hopefully help her get a jump start on understanding and, walking away.
      Thanks, Cathy.

  3. Amazing what he came up with, but even more amazing that she was ready to accept his excuses! You are a wonderful friend, Dixie. Thanks so much for sharing your story in your blog....maybe you will wake someone else up to relationship issues.

    1. Linda, I'm not so sure she was ready to accept what he said, because she knows me. I think she "wants" and that gets in the way of her letting go of what's not a potential relationship here.

      My thinking is... a two year neighborhood friendship, does not equal a coupling partnership. I think she has misread a lot too... or allowed herself to be deceived. That bothers me.

      Thank you for your kindness, here. I'd like to see this chain broken for her.

  4. You've answered an All-Important Question here: Why do people believe "crazy" excuses? Answer: We really want to. When we want something to happen we tend accept all manner of crazy so that it will happen. Later, in hindsight, after it's all been shot to hell, we can look back and say, "What was I thinking?"

    WELL, I'm glad you didn't allow your friend to have that. Somehow, in a way that didn't make her angry at YOU (not sure how you did this, but... wow!), you showed her how ridiculous this list was. It may take her a few days to mourn a relationship that will never be (followed by an unknown period of bliss that could last decades that she never jumped into this mess), and could even spend some time wondering why she fell for someone like that (those are probably tougher, more complicated issues), and then decide how to be "smarter" next time around.

    I'm beginning to think it all falls around this: 1) Decide that you have value. Yes, we dictate our own value to others. Set the bar HIGH. 2) When someone does ANYTHING that makes you angry, upset, nervous, disappointed... go back and take a long look at it. It's probably a Red Flag indicative of a much bigger problem. 3) Never ignore the Red Flags.

    No one is perfect. But, many people are kind and try hard. There are others who aren't kind and are just looking for those folks who are kind and try hard to sharpen their knives on. (not literally... well, not always literally).

    You are a good friend. It's good that she has you.

    1. Robin, Bravo! She came in the door angry at me. It would be easy for her to blame me too. It would keep her in denial of her part in this... and his actions of the last two years.

      She gave me his "reasons," and though I really, really, wanted to cry, what came out was laughter. I'm not saying that was the best thing to do. But I really banked on the notion that we've shared a very long friendship, that's had nothing to do with either exercising power over the other.

      I totally agree with everything you've written here!! Your comment says it all, thank you (smile).

  5. I read both parts--interesting story. One of those don't know whether to laugh or cry things. It's probably hard to say what's totally going on without knowing more because some people are deceitful and yet so convincing while others are totally on the level but just don't come across right.

    Your friend will just have to take things carefully, but best you not get caught up in between. You're probably doing it right.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

    1. Lee, you are right too. ["...without knowing more..."]. I think all I can do is give her the knowledge I've been exposed to; she ultimately has to evaluate her situation, and herself.

      You're right, again. ["... but best you not get caught up in between.] Until I actually met him, I don't think I'd given two thoughts about it. Lots of people complain about a spouse or partner. I certainly didn't think they were this disconnected.

      Your concern is valid. I've explained my boundaries to her. I'm not a therapist, and don't do individuals or couples. (smile).

      Thank you for reading both parts, visiting me, and leaving this comment.

  6. Stay nuetral Dixie, I enjoyed the read, excellently written. well done.

    1. Yvonne - you know how tough it can be to care, but maintain distance so the person "gets it". Some things can be taught and some things, I just don't know; maybe we absorb from our observation of our environment. She needs to see the reality of her's.

      Thank you for the compliment (smile).

  7. Sounds like one that tries to spin a tale to make himself feel better no matter the cost to anyone else.

    1. Pat, that could be very true... and sad. In this case... it 'appears' that way.

      Sad tales make me wail...tired today... moving like a snail :)
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting.(smile).

  8. I read the first part and then this one too. Argh. What a mess. I'm glad that my friends and I are too old and settled to go through the dating rituals. They're just painful. But you're a terrific friend for being patient and supportive to her. :)

    1. Lexa, I think I'm old for this! If I didn't remember a similar situation, of my own past, I'd run like heck! In fact, I think this calls for cookies... you know me... bake and take!

      I appreciate your visit, and comment. (smile) Maybe Friday will have a small thing to celebrate from all of this.

  9. She's staying with you through the weekend, because she's so distraught over him? She still likes the guy? You're opening your home and heart to her? My dear, she doesn't deserve your friendship. You deserve to take better care of yourself. It's not as though she's just ended a marriage. It's also not as though she's your teenage daughter. Sorry to be so blunt, but if this is how needy she gets over liking a man who doesn't reciprocate and is clearly not worthy, how will she get through any real traumas? She's showing less regard for your friendship than she is for her own petty ego needs.

    Celebrate self-care, DC. Set boundaries and take care of you.

    1. Robyn, news flash. She changed her mind. They're going to dinner to talk about it. Ha! I'm not surprised, really. I canceled the weekend. This was a one time deal. Been there - done that. I already know how this will turn out.

      Bluntness is no problem. I prefer hearing it straight. I do agree that she's showing less regard for our friendship. Self-care and boundaries...yes ma'am... I moving right along.

      Thank you for leaving that comment! It's nice when someone validates what I'm thinking.

  10. PS Make or buy another chocolate cake. Don't give her any. Ya hear? Smiles.

    1. Oh, no. My friend that made the chocolate last week called. She's making a coconut cream pie, and needs help with it. Breaking that new year's diet resolution has become a part time job for her!

      We don't talk about men. We talk about crazy broads at the Academy Awards - know of any? (smile)

    2. Woohoo, MUCH, MUCH IMPROVED. I was worried for a moment there. Now, my only suggestion is to work chocolate in somehow. Coconut and chocolate make a good combo. Enjoy the weekend...far from the nutty one.

    3. How about Hershey's chocolate drizzled on vanilla ice cream? I think this friend is losing it. BUT, after the week I've had, what the hay??

      Thanks, no more nutty buddys for me.

  11. I am glad the friendship was saved though. Falling in lust sure complicates things.

    1. At this point, Donna, I'm not sure. She called to cancel Thursday, because they're going to dinner to talk it out. They're adults. They can work it out.

      I canceled the weekend because I have a life. And I am so grateful for all the advice and suggestions I've received on here. Thank you.(smile)

  12. Oh she crazy?
    Why are some gals so needy?
    You certainly were a good friend....perhaps, keep your distance from the love birds!
    How old are these 2?
    Glad she is not coming back for the weekend.....
    Enjoy your day..
    Linda :o)

    1. Oh Linda... today I went on what I call, "a window shopping day." It's where I walk along, see something, and say, "That's nice - I don't want it."
      Practicing contentment is easy!

      Crazy, needy? Yes! Honey, I keep my track shoes on!
      She's 44, and I think he's 51-52?
      Weekend - not a chance. I have marathon with a coconut cream pie, to attend!
      Cheers to you, and thanks for the entertaining comment (smile)


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