Stripping away the rose colored glasses of denial concerning my reality. Getting in touch with truth. Reaching out to others in empathy concerning their reality and their walk to truth.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The last time was just long ago...

In March of 2001 I traveled to my beloved beach three or so hours away. It would be cold, wind blowing down on the shore, with waves crashing loudly. I would sit there as long as I could stand, pencil in hand, sketching everything around me. Seaweed washed up in the foam, tiny crabs bubbling in the wet sand, and the wonder: the curious seagull. At the end of my day I would take my sketches back to the place I was staying and paint, on canvas: “the catch of the day.”

By the fall of 2001 I had finished therapy and felt elated to finally be free. No more appointments, no more traffic into town, and no more prescription medications. I was so totally free. I felt the urge to be charitable. Yes, share the joy. Share my joy.

I made a plan to give some money to my uncle, a very sweet person. I had asked what he would do if he had (______) amount of money. He had immediate answers. I handed him the envelope and together we cried knowing that his life would improve too, from my shattered past. Two improved lives moving on. Normally I would not want to share any charity, keeping the information deep inside to remain humble. I reveal this only because of the depth I plunged to within a few moments later.

Leaving his home I traveled to look at a van parked in a yard that I thought to purchase. I was almost there when a beautiful Malamute came charging across my path. An Alaskan breed of dog used for pulling sleds. So incredibly large and gorgeous with a totally free expression on it’s face. It was like he had never tasted freedom. He’d run from a house across the street when someone accidentally opened the front door. No collar, no tags, just that wide open run straight in front of my vehicle. If only I could convey how happy it looked, to be free.

I was in a Grand Prix, low rider, it was awful. I sat on the side of the road and cried, shaking uncontrollably. I could see people but I couldn’t hear them. I did hear the police ask, and then begged me to leave. They were afraid the owner would shoot me; running around with a revolver in his hand. At that point in time I wish he would have. I wasn’t feeling well. I felt responsible for taking the life of the most beautiful creature I had ever seen; eyes were the same color as mine. So I’m crying thinking… I just did a good thing, why did a bad thing happen?

I bought the van two weeks later and it stayed mostly parked for almost five years. Driving became quite scary. I was so busy double and triple checking my surroundings that the muscles in the neck and shoulder would tighten. A friend came along and has been driving ever since.

Now it is time for change. It is time for me to re-think what I’m missing. I miss the ocean, and it just may be the one thing that inspires me to take the plunge and rejoin the driving world. So every day I go out somewhere and tell myself I will drive again on a regular basis. My good friend has helped a lot and will continue until I am ready. The last time wasn’t the “last” time; it was just a long time ago. We anticipate good things to come.


  1. Glad you feel able to move forward again from this. Sometimes things happen to good people, it doesn't make you bad, my friend :)xx

  2. You can do this!

  3. Thank you jewel. dc

  4. Thank you L.R. dc.

  5. You have been a victim of the nature of things. As we travel life's path, we can never plan for the tragedies we may face. While you are in no way responsible for this beautiful animal running in front of you, as a caring person you cannot help but be affected by the event.

    Regardless of how long it may have taken for you to feel free to venture out, your willingness to once again pursue the things you love will be a healing experience.

    Our journey will continue to test our will and ability to continue on through adversity. Bad things do happen to good people but it does not change the fact that they are good people.

    May you regain the wonder of the little crabs.


  6. Despite the most unfortunate and tragic trauma that happened on that fateful day; your new journey back out into the great outdoors has begun.
    You are confronting and challenging your fears and with that challenge, those fears will diminish.
    Positive anticipation down that positive road ahead. I know that today you went out and were immersed in the joys, the wonderment of that magical place outside your front door. Bravo..

  7. Thank you Roger. dc

  8. Thank you Klahanie. dc

  9. May courage and positivity move you forward x


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