Stripping away the rose colored glasses of denial concerning my reality. Getting in touch with truth. Reaching out to others in empathy concerning their reality and their walk to truth.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I am going to start listening to me!

What better person to tell me when to wake up, when to eat, when to go outside, when to shut off this computer, when to ride my bike, and on…. People all around me do this everyday, living. I haven’t been living but existing.

I have many friends in my computer world but have lost touch with my outside world and have dwindled down to one friend I stay in contact with. What am I thinking? I have to stop. When I am able to see people I could take advantage of the moment. There is nothing and no-one to tell me, “no,” besides me.

When I don’t listen to me I get wrapped up in listening to others. Because I have a mental cognitive issue and a past history of self-abuse, I get lost in the “world” of another person, hoping to leave my own behind. I fantasize about what I want before looking at the logistics. Then unfortunately due to my lack of self-knowledge I hurt another and another, and on…

This past history of self-abuse started out with my being abused by adults. Yes, adults telling their children strange rules they must obey or suffer their mother’s death or the fires of hell. Pure sickness that drives children to madness; but they don’t see it. It’s corporeal punishment time. Stand in line for the belt or bring me a limb from that tree… and this is the polite stuff. The other abuse is horrible and I cannot go into it here.

This morning I began to make notes of the life I want. Since the one I have is not it, I allow myself to dream a bit. I’m listening to what I want for myself in order to be a healthy thinking person; in time, a healthy thinking friend to insiders and outsiders.

I’m returning to professional therapy, having really “recognized” a behavior pattern I’ve had for years; forever? It is serious and I find I cannot live with this behavior any longer. I hope to avoid medications but at this writing I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop this behavior. Other than this,I like me. I like a lot of what I already am, moving toward liking all of me.


  1. Time to live your life. You like most of yourself, that is one heck of a positive start as you continue to reclaim your life. I cheer you on.

  2. Well done on being so brave and blogging it. Bravo xx

  3. good to see that you are listening to this one person!
    It is very important to be happy with who we are.Funny that it is actually difficult.
    Good luck and best wishes.

  4. I have three dreams for this year: see the therapist and get my head done, buy a little place at the beach, and open a soup kitchen. I will reclaim and proclaim: my life!
    Thank you Klahanie for your empathy, support and cheering.
    Warm wishes.

  5. "A jewel shining through":
    No photo...I was terrified of the reaction. Brave blogging... thank you. I think I learned a couple of things visiting your site.
    Bravo your way ms j.

  6. ["Funny that it is actually difficult."] Desperado:
    In the quiet of many nights I sneak onto your blogsite and read posts over and over, hoping to find peace. I have never been disappointed. Your contribution to this "one person" has been mostly unknown, until now. Best to you.

  7. thank you dc relief,for seeing what all of us here can already seeyou worth liking,and of great value to many,it is of great comfort,to me that you can ,and do see your own worth,you are valuable to yourself,more than any other,your journey continues,i will be at the front,shouting loudest for you.

  8. To my anonymous friend:
    You have my cheers for you. And I so appreciate your comments here, and on another site. Many days you "make my day brighter."
    Cheer or sneer, let's have no fear, remaining true to life that's dear.
    Thank u.


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