What better person to tell me when to wake up, when to eat, when to go outside, when to shut off this computer, when to ride my bike, and on…. People all around me do this everyday, living. I haven’t been living but existing.
I have many friends in my computer world but have lost touch with my outside world and have dwindled down to one friend I stay in contact with. What am I thinking? I have to stop. When I am able to see people I could take advantage of the moment. There is nothing and no-one to tell me, “no,” besides me.
When I don’t listen to me I get wrapped up in listening to others. Because I have a mental cognitive issue and a past history of self-abuse, I get lost in the “world” of another person, hoping to leave my own behind. I fantasize about what I want before looking at the logistics. Then unfortunately due to my lack of self-knowledge I hurt another and another, and on…
This past history of self-abuse started out with my being abused by adults. Yes, adults telling their children strange rules they must obey or suffer their mother’s death or the fires of hell. Pure sickness that drives children to madness; but they don’t see it. It’s corporeal punishment time. Stand in line for the belt or bring me a limb from that tree… and this is the polite stuff. The other abuse is horrible and I cannot go into it here.
This morning I began to make notes of the life I want. Since the one I have is not it, I allow myself to dream a bit. I’m listening to what I want for myself in order to be a healthy thinking person; in time, a healthy thinking friend to insiders and outsiders.
I’m returning to professional therapy, having really “recognized” a behavior pattern I’ve had for years; forever? It is serious and I find I cannot live with this behavior any longer. I hope to avoid medications but at this writing I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop this behavior. Other than this,I like me. I like a lot of what I already am, moving toward liking all of me.