Stripping away the rose colored glasses of denial concerning my reality. Getting in touch with truth. Reaching out to others in empathy concerning their reality and their walk to truth.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Are angels among us?




















Cousin Paul didn't come home from Vietnam. He "re-upped" for another tour. After that he "re-upped" again. Three tours in Nam and he wanted a fourth, but they wouldn't allow it. I wasn't in his shoes so trying to understand was impossible. It's ironic that everyone he knew he left behind, when he first left for Vietnam. Now the same thing was happening again.

When he finally hit stateside he came to my parents' home - stayed for three weeks - long conversations with my Dad. Paul's Dad had passed when he was very young. His Mom, my aunt was beside herself - unable to help him undo what life had done. She was just so grateful he'd survived.

He became a raging alcoholic and drug user. I say raging because he was always angry. I think I wrote more letters to him during those five years than all the previous years combined.  He never answered these. I don't think he could. To answer might give me hope that he had survived.

I've rewritten the above letter as best I can remember. On the year anniversary of his death I burned it. Thinking it was time for that last letter to stop eating away at me. He was a good friend, and I don't think he'd want me to hang on to old pain. This is the first Christmas I've felt real peace about him. Maybe I'm being foolish but I think he must have helped me do the tree. Either that or I've finally forgiven him for not being here the Christmas he re-upped. Funny the things we hold onto to and not fully realize that they're there, just beneath the surface.

He gave me a Santa Claus figurine many years ago. This past week while digging through old boxes, I found it. My parents kept it all of this time. Yep there he was - lying next to an angel. It made me smile(smile).


18 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're starting to lose all that pain. I just responded to someone's comment on my blog about letting writing, then destroying the letter. It's so cathartic and I'm glad it helped you. I wouldn't be surprised if he was with you this Christmas, holding your hand, while you decorated the tree. I'm a big believer in the kind of thing. My first hubby died on Christmas and thereafter they were brutal but I did it for the kids, then one day, I felt him there and felt that calm you spoke of. It was just so peaceful. I'm glad you had that.

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    1. "letter writing" not letting writing. :)

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    2. Hi Elsie. "It's that peace that passes all understanding." I'm often surprised that I can be so fragile and then, "gifted strength" arrives at the right time. I would want peace for everyone - not just for holidays, even though our celebration dates are especially tough without those we cherish.

      I am grateful when someone, like you, understands and knows solutions are needed for us to carry on. Cathartic - oh yes! One of my very favorite words. I don't think I've read your post yet or maybe haven't returned to see the comments. I'll remedy that.(smile)

      Thank you for visiting! I'm glad you have peace.

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    3. Elsie - I read "letter" anyway. It's a brain thing I think. Haha.

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  2. I think that you will understand that I ,due to my experiences, generally do not sympathise with those who go to war voluntary especially to invade other countries and kill people.

    Did you finish decorating the palace?

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    1. Hi Dez. Well said.
      It would seem, everyone is affected by the choices of their government. I have a hard thinking we were born to die in wars. More will be revealed.

      Decorating is on hold for a day or two. I have a door that needs a new thresh hold - the tiny silver tinsel on the tree was moving around too much from cold air creeping from under the door (YouTube - here I come!) (smile).

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  3. Always good to get rid of sad memories. Have a Happy Christmas.

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    1. I agree Jo. Happy Christmas to you, love!

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  4. I would take the Santa and the angel as a sign too!

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    1. Deb - I wondered if I was the only one who would think that too!
      Btw - your post cracked me up! Talk about an imagination...

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  5. So many BIG concepts here. War is brutal. PTSD is a natural side effect. Men (and women) who live through war often can't "unlive" it. I don't know why as a people, who've seen what war does to the human psyche, that we insist on it again and again.

    I do know that soldiers often feel compelled after being part of something like that to stay. How can they go home and leave their "brothers in arms" behind? They have become bonded through terror.

    And then there is that pain you speak of which we think we've let go of... only to find it still is alive and well beneath the surface. I think we'd all be shocked if we knew how much painful things that happened in the past drive our present. It does everything from creating illness to influencing our choices (usually bad). We really are better off when we truly Let It Go. We know that we've achieved that when we can think of something and it no longer hurts.

    I firmly believe that our loved ones who've passed want to help us. They sometimes have to wait until we are ready to receive that help (and for too many that time never comes), but when it does... Oh, how wonderful. We get that gift of feeling their presence in our lives. We are open to the signs that they are still around. We see their hand in the placement of ornaments and figurines. We know that they are at peace. And so are we.

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    1. Thank you so much Robin! Well said! I couldn't help but tear up - your words touched my heart.

      "We know that they are at peace. And so are we."

      (smile)

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  6. i'm guessing he re-upped because that was the only place he felt at home and experienced comradery.

    i force my guardian angel to work a lot of overtime but she never complains. god bless her.

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    1. Yes Billy. I was 11 years old when I got that letter - had absolutely no concept of anything. Now that I do - I think the 11 year old had it right all along.

      You're special and you have the best music! Does your guardian angel help with that? Can I get a referral?(smile)

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  7. It's sad, but sometimes we have to move on. Easier said than done as I know from experience. I don't know if angels are with us, but at times I think someone or something definitely is.

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    1. I agree Mike, and over at your site is a whole world of interesting ideas that often amaze me! many times you make my day without even knowing it.

      Hope you're not experiencing that cold and wind that I saw predicted on the news today! Stay safe.

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  8. I'm sorry about Paul. That's heartbreaking. It's good that you tried to stay in touch with him, and yes, angels walk among us.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Hi Janie.
      This seems to be the year for my letting go of many people and issues. It's really strange but I wouldn't change anything that's happened. I keep choosing to learn from events and mistakes.

      Sending you, Franklin and WDW good cheer!

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