Stripping away the rose colored glasses of denial concerning my reality. Getting in touch with truth. Reaching out to others in empathy concerning their reality and their walk to truth.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

How do I apologise for not knowing then, what I know now?

I used to call myself a writer and was proud of my accomplishments. In my zeal to help others feel good about their writing I have torn my self to bits. I have done this to my self. No help; like I was ashamed to be considered any good. What is wrong with me? Why do I do that?

Time has marched on and I met some really great friends and again I start telling myself I don’t deserve such friends. Are you beginning to see a pattern? Yeah, so am I. Only it’s taken me years to really get this far.

Lately I think of what I want from life and how happy that would make me. The next minute I’m in anguish trying to find solutions to get my dreams materializing. Today the place at the beach got flushed. My niece is selling her home and moving to Sweden. No, can’t buy it, lots of money needed for that one.

My entire life cannot be one big “boo-boo” right now can it? A friend of mine reminded me that according to the “Changes 12-step program” “feelings are not facts.” These feelings hurt, so am I being hurt by invisible assassins?

For the last three months I’ve heavily relied on people to help me understand; some more than others. I don’t feel like playing a dying martyr to my own death so I’m challenging myself to find more solutions and new ones for the ones that have evaporated.

I’m returning to writing. If I move I’ll let you know. If I have great friends they’ll show up here when they can. When I get divorced I’ll throw a party. And when I flush those feelings I’ll be back to being dcrelief!!


  1. Oh sweetheart... you've seen personal growth and then dreams seemingly disappear. I wish I could give you a hug right now. Keep hold of that dream, it may be that there is another stepping stone inbetween it and now. It can sometimes be that as one door opens another one slams in our face. It's how we view it that can make a difference. Our chat the other day reminded me we have choices - we can do what we've always done and then we get what we always got, or we can have a cry, mourn the change, and then re-look at our situation and make a new choice or decision. I don't know enough to see how your niece's move impacts on your dreams, but remember you are allowed to have a life for yourself too. I hope that you can selvage something for you, in the midst of this, and I'm always around to talk, love xxx

  2. To: "A jewel shining through":

    I really want to thank you for leaving this comment. I suppose I’ve read it thirty times or more. It reflects my own inside questions and confusion. Though I hang on it has not always been with positive thoughts. Strangely the pain of one loss can keep me coming back around to look for other solutions to different issues.

    I’ve lost track of what all I’m working on, and in a funny way I think that’s funny. I hope my tendency to run has lost its desire to destroy me. Strangely, after all of these years, I find I like having friends. Love, dix

  3. in you ,dc relief,isee someone who has heart,inner depth,and so much heart,jewels thoughts are as true as you are a true friend to us all ,its always difficult,making real inroads,barriers can suspend our self belief,they can be broken,in you is the faith to see the truth,believe in your choices,i join jewel,in hugging you ,blessyou dixie,keep well.

  4. Hello Anonymous:
    ["its always difficult,making real inroads, barriers can suspend our self belief,they can be broken, in you is the faith to see the truth, believe in your choices"]
    My gracious thank you d.s. for your kind response. You remind me of what I'd almost forgotten.
    Bless you my friend. dixie

  5. Dear dcrelief,
    You know it is time to distance yourself from your negative environment. Time to move on from those self doubts that have been ingrained in your being by folks who displayed little understanding.
    You are worthy of friends, fight that sensation that deems you unworthy of genuine caring. Time to challenge the "boo-boo". Time to realise that you can write, that you can articulate your validity. Time to embrace the concept that dcrelief shall rise above the negativity and fly once more.

  6. You're comments could have been a blog unto themselves.
    I do have a couple of solutions I'm working on, so thank you for this very nice comment.
    Your strong presentation empowers me. Love, dix


Thank you for visiting me. Want to add your thoughts?