Sunday, November 8, 2009
Just a minute, please...
I’m just going to write. When I get to the end, I’ll push ‘publish’ and let another crazy thing move on. Often when I sit down to writer, I feel that all the right, bells, whistles, and tweeters should be perfect. But I’m tired and need to jump off the world. The spinning is making me sick.
I feel like a small star spinning between the massive electromagnetic fields of two planets. Both have set motion and I am the little star that could… right now “the little star that could not move.” So I sit here feeling so small but wonder how I can get lose the feeling; the feeling that I am insignificant among the universe?
I received a card from a friend; sat and looked at the tiny stars on the front, my mind working over time. All of those other little stars and the one she’d circled with an arrow pointed, saying, “YOU”. The card read: “When it comes to friends, you are one in a million!” I saw that. I read that. I didn’t let it set in my mind. I let it float away, devaluing my own existence; strange.
Self esteem can be a tough thing to give myself. I was raised that esteem only comes from outside me. Now I sit here laughing at how small I would have my star be. It’s okay to feel good about my choices. It’s okay to feel lousy about my failures. But it’s not okay to hold onto them; they’re better floating off into the ether, with the other space trash.
Time to reread that manual on electromagnetic stuff; I suspect my brain is hardwired, and some days the server doesn’t work?? Electromagnetic fields forever…you remember the Beatles, right?!